Dear readers, I am at a loss and need some help.
Once again it is that wonderful time of year where we get to express the joy, love and togetherness that makes us a community.
Yes, it is Christmas sweater time!
We get to break out those wonderful, wearable expressions that we think are so catchy but others say, “What the heck were you thinking?”
I’ve been there.
I’m from a Scandinavian community where sweaters are big. It was named after an old Norseman who was wearing a wool sweater when he oared ashore. He lent his first name to our little fishing village of Petersburg, now also known as Little Norway. Our heritage is celebrated in brightly colored outerwear, and underwear, all year long so I was doomed to wear a sweater in summer as well.
Of course I learned not to let my tipsy uncle Sven get involved with my sweater wear as he decorated my red-and-white striped heat-enveloper with live herring and bull kelp — neither of which aged well during the holidays, but did provide good garden fertilizer. Side note: herring do not age well during any season unless dried or pickled…and even then they do not look particularly attractive dangling about your neck and shoulders no matter how much spiked eggnog has been consumed, as ol’ uncle Sven tried to do the following year.
When I was old enough to be allowed to make my own bad decisions, I wasted little time.
Santa sitting on a chimney, reading a newspaper, with his red trousers down and titled “Santa’s Log on the Fire” wasn’t well received outside my circle of misguided, eighth-grade classmates.
Since my birthday was before the day we celebrate Jesus’, I thought I could get away with wearing the words “Birthday Boy” emblazoned on HIS photo in a Santa hat and, once again, it seemed to only curry favor with my rat pack and not the gathering of elders at the Midnight Mass, the Mass at Dawn or the King’s Mass…I tried three times.
Anything I created that involved the words “Nutcracker” only gathered the unwanted attention of school teachers, who seemed way too eager to report my exploits to my father and mother who had warned me repeatedly that said wordings would require a reacquaintance with the leather belt known to us kids as “The Razor Strap.”
I won’t describe the sweater designs of “Reindeer Seasoning” or “Mistletoe and Mr. Toe” or “Merry and Not-So-Bright” or “My Elf Has a Cookie Problem.”
Yeah, I made mistakes.
Which is why I am looking forward to 10 a.m. on Saturday, Dec. 21, at the King Salmon Shelter at Lena Beach.
The Juneau Trail and Road Runners are holding a more family-friendly event entitled “Solstice Sweater Shuffle.” A one-mile or a four-mile (racers’ choice) race that encourages the wearing of a sweater. Both races are out and back on Lena Loop Road so if you are watching and miss a lovely attired entrant on the way out you see them on the way back.
Race entry is as easy as clicking here:
https://www.raceentry.com/races/solstice-sweater-shuffle/2024/register
I can hardly wait to see your ideas!
I have mellowed in my old age.
I am thinking of wearing something that says, “Santa Klas” or “Will Work for Eggnog.”
If you have any questions, do what I do… I contact race directors at heather.c.parker@gmail.com or qgtracy@hotmail.com.
Oh wait… maybe I’ll wear, “I went to the North Pole and all I got was this sweater” or “Only three wise women would send three wise men across the desert.”
“Meowy Christmas” with cats in Xmas hats?
Maybe a huge present with Balthasar, Melchior and Gaspar popping out of it, entitled “Gift of the Magi.”
• Contact Klas Stolpe at klas.stolpe@juneauempire.com.
