Tired of yo-yo diets? Of losing weight,
then regaining it right back? Tired of counting calories,
eating bland meals received in the mail,
attending meetings to learn you aren’t losing
weight as fast as others?
Our program is called Neutralize Appetite Guide
and Never Again Gain or simply NAG & NAG.
This program relieves you of tiresome
responsibility and restrain by personifying
your guilty conscience.
Dependent on the plan chosen, a scolding specialist
will text or call at regular mealtimes and bedtime,
criticize what you ate and what you might eat
and warn of the evils of bedtime snacking.
Using blends of humiliation and guilt
our agents will motivate you to eat less
and avoid between-meal snacks.
For only a modest monthly payment
we guarantee misery.
To initiate NAG & NAG and change your life,
call the toll-free number on the screen.
— Richard Stokes
The Capital City Weekly accepts submissions of poetry, fiction and nonfiction for Writers’ Weir. To submit a piece for consideration, email us at email@example.com.