Rainbow the Crunchy Ghost

I’m a veeeeeeeeeeegan.

Woooo!!!!! Wooooo!!!! Who disrupts my ghostly slumber?! Woooo!!!! Woooo!!!!!

Bet you wish you hadn’t audited that Introduction to Necromancy course at UAS. Wooooo!!!! Bet you also wish you’d used the restroom before the séance. Well, it’s too late! You’ve conjured me and now you must reckon with my otherworldly powers!

Woooooooo!!!!!!

For you see, not only am I a ghost — I’m a veeeeeeeeeeegan. Woooooo, man.

Relax, relax. Put down the baseball bat. You’re not going to fend off a poltergeist with a Louisville Slugger. No, I don’t want to go outside and hit a few fungos. But maybe we can kick a hackey-sack around later. Wooooo!!!!

I understand you’re spooked, but chill out. I’m not trying to scare you out of your house. You’ve got more water damage than I look for in a haunt, plus no garage — where would I ferment my homemade kombucha? Although the rental apartment’s a plus. Wooooooo!!!!!

[Learning to ‘play ball’ in the game of marriage]

But that’s beside the point. As I said, I am the Ghost of Vegans Past, and I’m here to frighten you into seeing both the socio-ecological and health benefits of a meat, dairy, yeast, and, whenever possible, gluten-free lifestyle! Woooooo!!!!!

Yes, that includes honey! No products derived from any sentient animal of any kind, even wool and silk! Woooo!!!! Look up “vegans” on Wikipedia; you’ll get a good definition.

So, go ahead and update your browser, then. I’ll wait …

Hey, you catch Morrissey on “Colbert” the other night? Rocked …

Oh, okay, see, there we go: “vegans refrain from consuming animal products, not only meat and fish but also eggs, dairy products and other animal-derived substances.” There you have it.

What do you mean you can’t live without cheese? Woooo!!! Most of Asia manages to get by just fine. Wooooo!!!! And here in the U.S., they make plenty of alternatives these days: soy mozzarella, almond jalapeno jack, tapioca and vegetable glycerin “cheddar” shreds. Yes, I’m sure I’m not trying to scare you out of your house.

Now, let’s see what’s in your fridge. Woooo!!! I see plenty of hot dogs — do you have any Not Dogs? What about Fakin’ Bacon? How am I supposed to make my favorite post-haunting snack: (Fakin’) Bacon (textured vegetable protein) chili (tapioca and vegetable glycerin) cheese (Not) Dogs? I’m not even going to ask if you’ve got any brown rice buns.

[Don’t hate me because my kids watch TV]

This refrigerator makes me want to wretch in fear, although I really can’t spare the calories. Just look what you’re putting into your body! There’s no Omega-3 fatty acids in any of this. Okay, you asked for it. Behold my display of agriculturally sustainable ghostly powers!

Wooooo!!!! I’ve transformed your milk into Rice Dream! Woooo! Your leftover spaghetti and meatballs? It’s now acorn squash with cranberry apple quinoa. Wooo!!! And I’ve turned your steak into kale. Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllle!

I know, I know, that’s not even a close approximation of steak. But it’s so much easier on the bowels.

What’s that? Oh, no, I didn’t leave your mayonnaise alone. Take a closer look at the label. See? That’s “Nayonnaise™,” with an “n” and a trademark sign. What’s the

difference? Taste it. Wooooooooo!!!!!

Scream all you like, but Nayo makes a fabulous vegan blue-green algae cheese dip for your buffalo Quorn™ Chik’N Tenders. You know, Quorn™? Imitation poultry made of cultured fungus?

Yeah, you know, even I’m a little scared of that stuff. In fact, I’m actually working on a screenplay for a horror movie based on the idea. It’s called “Children of the Quorn,” the story of a demonic entity who convinces the children of the town, all named Malachi, to force feed the adults imitation meat mycoprotein.

Actually, I’d love to hear your notes if you wanted to give it a read. Let me Air Drop it to you. Woooo!!! Dude, really? You’re transferring files using email? Wow. I DIED and I still managed to cut the cable. No, no, I mean, you’re entitled to your preference. I’m a vegan; I can’t stand SPAM.

What do you mean why I am doing this to you? Didn’t your realtor tell you? This house was built on an ancient vegetable burial ground! Yes, I mean a garden. They moved the headstones, but they never moved the carrots!

Come on, now, please, calm down. I’m not all bad. Behold, another amazing display of eco-friendly phantasmagoria, as I levitate these recyclables. Hm, I’m sorry, I thought I’d be able to levitate them—especially since there’s no glass in here. I should probably take more vitamins. Whew. I’m winded. Whoah, head rush. Mind if I sit down?

Yeah, sure, I’d love a glass of water. Triple filtered?


• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday in Neighbors.


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