Bears are mammals of the family Ursidae, characterized by shaggy hair, stocky legs, long snouts and the uncanny ability to tell whether someone’s been sitting in their chair, sleeping in their bed and/or eating their porridge.
Since prehistoric times, humans have hunted bears for their meat and fur … also their claws, primarily for use as souvenir salad tongs. As such, bears play a prominent role in the arts, mythology and culture of numerous human societies. They also make a great mascot for fabric softener.
Bears are well-known for their physical presence, intelligence and charisma — like Duane “The Rock” Johnson. But despite their large build and awkward gait, they’re excellent runners, climbers and swimmers — also like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Though fearsome in reputation, bears are overwhelmingly solitary and considered the most asocial of all carnivores. Like at Thanksgiving, they’d way rather play Sudoku than actually interact with anyone. And have you ever brought a bear to a cocktail party? Awkward.
Still, in Alaska, bear-human interaction remains relatively common and bear attacks do pose a potential threat. But we’re also the least likely place in the U.S. to get hit by a tornado, so you pick your poison. Plus, state law permits shooting a bear in self-defense, even if the bear doesn’t have a gun.
Varieties
Brown bears, aka “Grizzlies”
Some 200,000 brown bears range across the northern climes of the Northern Hemisphere. With a population of 30,000, Alaska boasts the most brown bears of any state or province in North America. By way of comparison, British Columbia claims 15,075, but those are metric bears, so …
By the way, scientists call them Ursus arctos. “Grizzly” is just a stage name.
Though famous for gorging on seasonal salmon runs, an Alaskan grizzly will also eat ground squirrel, marmot, caribou, moose and even beached whale carcasses. Unless it had a beached whale carcass for lunch, in which case it may not be in the mood for beached whale carcass. Got any beached sea lion carcass?
Black bears
Black bears come in two varieties, American and Asian. So, next time you’re getting mauled by one, be sure to check the label to make sure it’s not some cheap Chinese knock-off.
Interestingly enough, black bears don’t necessarily have to be black; they can appear blonde, cinnamon or black. Of course, brown bears can also appear blonde, cinnamon or black. How to tell the difference? Black bears don’t have humps. Also, their rumps are higher than their shoulders. But don’t let a bear catch you checking out its hump. Or its rump. You’re just asking for trouble.
Polar bears
Ursus maritimus is a sister species of the brown bear that acquired characteristics necessary for life in the Arctic, e.g. white fur; extra-thick layer of fat; Alaska Airlines Visa card. Polar bears boast a superb sense of smell, possibly the best of any mammal, including dogs. When the ice caps finally melt, maybe they can all get jobs with TSA sniffing baggage.
While Kodiak brown bears claim the largest individuals, polar bears rank as the largest on average. Of course, both species want you to know there’s no problem with the size of their paws. They can assure you, their paws are huge. HUGE!
The other five species
Don’t live in Alaska, so why waste further space?
Hibernation
Most bears hibernate (so if you’re a young bear and reading this, don’t worry; you’re totally normal — you won’t go blind or grow hair on your palms or anything).
When a bear hibernates, its heart-rate slows from 55 beats per minute down to nine. It won’t eat, drink, urinate or defecate, although it will continue to update its Facebook status: hibernating; hibernating; still hibernating; etc.
During the winter, bears can lose nearly half their bodyweight, especially impressive considering that’s smack during holiday season, and the Super Bowl and then Valentine’s Day right after that…
Relationship with humans
Some bear species are dangerous to humans, such as black bears, grizzly bears, polar bears and the 1985 Chicago Bears, whose defense was absolutely lethal.
While the actual danger often becomes exaggerated, those venturing out into bear country should take special precautions.
Common protection includes bear canisters, bear spray — which can also be used to add a little zing to your campfire breakfast burrito — firearms or, for those who prefer to defend themselves as nature intended, a tazer.
Still, even in bear-heavy locales, public perception of bears skews positive. Prime example: in 2015, Alaska Gov. Bill Walker officially declared April “Bear Awareness Month.” He didn’t give any other indigenous Alaska animals an awareness-raising campaign. It’s not like there’s a “Marmot Empowerment Week” or “Ptarmigan Pride Day” or anything.
Does a bear sh*t in the woods?
Yes. Yet again, like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson [citation needed].
• Geoff Kirsch is a Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday in Neighbors.
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