I hate exercise. There, I said it. There is nothing about exercise that I like. I don’t like getting hot and sweaty. I don’t like the feel of my heart beating fast. I don’t like the sound of my joints creaking and popping when I try to bend over. I don’t like the smell of sweaty sneakers. I don’t like the feeling of being out of breath after strenuous exercise.
Somehow, I doubt that I’m the only one.
Despite all of these unpleasant side effects to exercise, people persist in exercising on a regular basis. Their workouts are driven by a variety of motivations:
Guilt. Guilt is at the core of any good exercise regimen. Many people start exercising in January as part of their guilt-fueled New Years’ Resolutions following the renowned excesses of the holiday season. But there is a more fundamental source of guilt that drives us to exercise, and that is known as the “Doctor Factor.” You go to the doctor and complain about stiff calf muscles or a relentless weight gain, and the doctor never fails to pop the question, “Do you exercise?” You feel like such a schmuck when you have to say “no.”
Envy. Envy is a very powerful motivator. It didn’t make it onto the list of seven deadly sins for nothing. We see images in the media of beautiful people with impossible figures cheerfully exercising to maintain their perfect bodies, and we long to be like them. These images are supposed to motivate the rest of us normal-bodied people to continue with our exercising when all we want to do is slouch on the couch and watch a movie while consuming a super-sized bowl of popcorn. Sorry, celebrities, but it’s not going to work. Our fake news spotter zeros in on the cheeriness of these beautiful people as they run or lift weights or bend to the beat. No one could ever look so happy about working up a sweat. The whole image must be nothing more than an illusion.
Shame. Shame and embarrassment can motivate us to rise to the challenge of exercise. I once visited my mother in her retirement community and accompanied her to her exercise class, “Bodies in Motion.” About a dozen octogenarians gathered, each with a chair and leg weights, for an hour of not very strenuous exercise. They did stretches and leg lifts and waved their arms around while twisting their torsos. None of it resembled the beautiful people toning their muscles on gleaming exercise machines. The sad part was, I had a hard time keeping up. They got me breathing hard and straining to hold my arms in position. I could run faster than those old folks, but that was it. They had me beat. Talk about embarrassing.
For whatever reason, people exercise every day. When they do, they would do well to think more carefully about their language and the terms they use to talk about their sport. Consider the following examples:
Workout. The very term implies work. That’s hardly a motivator to encourage people to exercise.
Six-pack abs? That’s just a silly term. What, if I drink a six-pack, I’ll get those abs? I don’t think so.
Then there are the names of specific exercises:
Crunches. I find it fitting that this torture exercise is targeted at the belly, since its name conjures up images of satisfying your munchies with crunchy chips. I could do crunches with that big old bowl of popcorn all day long.
Sit-ups. This exercise can’t be so bad. I do it every day when I wake up in the morning and sit up in bed. Done!
Weight lifting. I do that every day, too, when I’m up and walking around. And like all good weight lifters, I continue to increase the amount of weight I’m lifting.
Pull-ups and push-ups. These sound like two distinct kinds of undergarments to me. Enough said.
Running laps. I’m sorry, but this term makes no sense. My lap only appears when I’m sitting down. I could take on the best of them when it comes to sitting laps. I might even give those old folks a run for their money.
If nothing else, exercise can be good for a few laughs. And you know what they say, that laughter is the best medicine. Tell that to your doctor the next time she asks you if you exercise.
• Peggy McKee Barnhill is a wife, mother and aspiring author who lives in Juneau. She likes to look at the bright side of life.
