They say money can’t buy happiness, when blatantly it can. Ninety-nine cents is all you need for a Cadbury Crème Egg — that’s not only happiness; it’s happiness inside a thick chocolate shell.
In fact, many other sayings don’t quite jibe with me, either. Chief among them: the one concerning March, which, according to conventional folk wisdom, comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.
Open your door. Would you describe the prevailing meteorological conditions as “lionine”? Looks pretty damn “lamby” out there to me, and it has for months, now. Perhaps this explains my hankering for shawarma.
Of course, March isn’t always so muttonous. According to NOAA, Alaska just experienced a winter 10.6 degrees warmer than usual. This year marks my eleventh March up here, now, and honestly, nine of the other ten did indeed come in like a lion … and then pretty much stayed like a lion all the way through May, with maybe a day or two when it was slightly less than a lion … like maybe a leopard. Or an ocelot. Yeah. In Alaska, normally, March comes in like a lion and goes out like an ocelot.
Another problem with the lion/lamb paradigm: What kind of lion are we talking about? Snagglepuss? The lion from the “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”? The Detroit Lions? Does that mean March goes in like the underachieving NFL franchise of a post-industrial Midwest city?
And on the proverbial flip-flop, which lamb? Because “lamb” can refer to the meat as well as the animal, in which case March could conceivably go out with a side of mint jelly, or, in Scotland, minced, salted, spiced and then stuffed back inside its own stomach and simmered for three hours.
This is to say nothing of L.A.M.B., a fashion line by Gwen Stefani, lām, the 12th letter of the Arabic alphabet or Wally Lamb. In this scenario, March goes out like an Oprah’s Book Club novelist noted for his realistic portrayal of female characters.
Now, March plays into non-zoological aphorisms as well. There are, of course, the Ides of March, of which Shakespeare warns us to beware. While every month has an “ides”—from Latin, meaning “half-division”—March’s ides gained notoriety as the day Julius Caesar was stabbed to death (23 times) in the Roman Senate. And you thought the current political standoff over Alaska’s budget was brutal.
To me, the Ides of March conjures memories of Ide’s Lanes, a really shady bowling alley outside Ithaca, New York — where I lived during college — whose parking lot doubled as an informal truck stop. Beware of that Ide’s no matter what month it is.
March 15 also reminds me of “The Ides of March,” by Iron Maiden off the “Killers” album. My friends and I once got our ninth grade honors English teacher to play it in the filmstrip viewer’s tape deck. We also got her to play Maiden’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” to accompany the class discussion of Samuel Taylor Coleridge and, when Hemingway rolled around, “For Whom the Bell Tolls” by Metallica. The other nerds didn’t quite know what to make of us; by the same token, neither did the other metal-heads.
Anyway…
You’ve also got March Madness, the NCAA basketball tournament and March Madness, the psychological disorder characterized by anger at peeing away $25 in your office pool when all your picks lose in the first round.
And it doesn’t stop there.
March is National Noodle Month, National Peanut Month and National Women’s History Month—speaking of which, what better way to celebrate Women’s History Month than with a heaping plate of peanut noodles? Women and peanut noodles: my two biggest weaknesses (aside from Cadbury Crème Eggs, obvi).
It’s also National Poison Prevention Month, National Flower Month, National Flour Month and National Mad for Plaid Month. Eddie Vedder’s stoked.
Make no mistake, March abounds with individual observances, too. You’ve got the obvious ones—like St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Seward’s Day, Iditarod—but did you know last week was National Dental Assistants Recognition Week? It was also National Procrastination Week, although I kind of got distracted with a bunch of stuff, so I’ll be observing it this week … next week at the latest, I promise.
But what I’m really looking forward to is March 19, National Poultry Day. This was always my favorite holiday as a kid. Every National Poultry Eve, I’d hang my National Poultry stocking with care and set out a tray of milk and chicken nuggets, in hopes of getting a visit from jolly old Frank Perdue. Next morning, my sister and I would race down to defrost our presents. One year, I got a twin pack of whole Cornish game hens and an Oven Stuffer Roaster®. It was the best National Poutry Day ever!
Most importantly, March marks the beginning of spring in the Northern Hemisphere, autumn in the Southern Hemisphere and prime Cadbury Creme Egg season all over the world.
Speaking of which, did you know this year Cadbury introduced the Oreo Crème Egg? That’s happiness inside a thick candy shell WITH crushed-up Oreos in the middle.
Unfortunately, it’s only available in Canada. Whether or not Trump wins, I’m thinking seriously about moving there.
• Geoff Kirsch’s Slacktide comes out the second and fourh Sunday of the month. He can be reached at geoff@geoffkirsch.com.
