When it comes to weather, I’m usually an undying optimist—ask my wife; it drives her crazy. Every day since January I’ve been assuring her the snow would return … even as the rhubarb started sprouting in our garden.
However, at this point—especially in light of NOAA reports indicating temperatures nearly 11 degrees warmer than average across the entire state for the entire season—I think that might be it for winter. It burned bright then flamed out, too beautiful for this world, like Crystal Pepsi or “My So Called Life.”
It’s okay, though. I’ve come to accept it — we’ve reached winter’s end, no matter how many times I check the extended 10-day forecast.
Of course, acceptance, according to the Kubler-Ross model, commonly known as the “Five Stages of Grief,” represents the final stage one experiences when faced with impending death. The others: denial, anger, bargaining and depression. At some point every year, we all must deal with the death of winter … and hope like hell for a speedy rebirth, say by the following October. Few things say “Alaska” like a snowball fight while trick-or-treating; except maybe shooting a halibut in the face with a .44. Anyway…
Let’s trace the path:
1. Denial: Winter isn’t dead. Not remotely! It’s still March. Just head up into the mountains: there’s still a few patches of snow clinging to life like the last proud shreds of a balding man’s comb-over. And okay, so I’m wearing shorts. I wear shorts every season here, only these days my thighs don’t chap. What travel plans for summer? I haven’t made any travel plans for summer. I only outlined dates. And booked reservations. But I’m still just “holding” those reservations. I’ve got 24 hours to cancel, change or pay, so there you go, winter’s still alive and kicking. Oh, and the tanzanite stores don’t open for almost a whole month. It’s still winter in Juneau if you can’t buy tanzanite.
2. Anger: Great, just great — what am I going to do with all this rock salt, now? And how about the 1,000-pack of Little Hotties I impulse bought at Costco? Gaw! Bad enough I’ll have to drink all these leftover winter ales in the spring now. Man, just when I developed the perfect system for sorting, packing and unloading the whole family’s ski gear. Now I have to start all over again with our bikes and kayaks! Mother chum-bucket!!!
3. Bargaining: Tell you what: Just give me one more massive dump (of snow) — just enough to carve a few turns, snowshoe to a cabin, write my name in pee and take out those really nice sleds we’ve got parked in our garage, rode soft and put away dry. I promise I really will do all these things, instead of spending the whole time lazing by the woodstove still in my pajamas. Please?! At the very least, how about enough fresh powder to build one last snowman? Or even just some wintry mix? I’ll make due with a wintry mix-man.
4. Depression: What’s the point of living in Alaska if you can’t amaze your friends in the Lower 48 with tales of shoveling off your roof, or by posting “Yeti beard” pictures to Instagram? And think of all the time and money (and blood) I poured into coaxing my snow-blower back to life. I could’ve built my kids a playhouse, instead. Or a chicken coop. I could be eating fresh eggs right now. But, no. I had to have faith in the resiliency of global climactic patterns, like some kind of truther.
5. Acceptance: Fine, winter’s over. There, I said it. No denying: Spring is here and summer’s en route, and that’s okay. There’ll be other projects not to accomplish, equipment not to use and days to fritter away in my pajamas. Maybe I’ll try gardening. Or trail running. Or, I could just get a hammock. As for winter … I still say Alaska still does it better than anywhere else and I’ll take whatever I can get, even if it’s just a one-month tease right around the holidays. We’ll try again next year—right after we finish grieving the death of summer.
• Catch Geoff Kirsch live as part of “Comedy for a Cause,” a fun night of local humor and storytelling benefiting NAMI Juneau, the local affiliate of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, Friday, April 1, 7-8:30 p.m. at the Juneau Arts & Culture Center.
