It’s been a month since less than half the country somehow elected our 45th president. But I’ll tell you, while he hasn’t even taken office yet Donald Trump is already making me a better person.
Seriously.
For one, I’ve started serving my wife coffee every morning while she gets herself ready for work; and we’re talking fresh-ground artisan roast, too. I mean, the woman watched her lifelong dream of a female presidency go up in smoke (or, more accurately, a miasma of Success for Men). The least I can do is bring her some coffee. Hell, I’ll fix her breakfast, too — I mean, if she ever regains her appetite.
In similar spirit, thanks to President-elect Trump — sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth there, myself — I’ve redoubled my efforts at controlling my temper, ever since the second debate, actually. That’s the last thing anybody needs, to be menaced by another big, angry, orange man.
And the list goes on. Donald Trump has also inspired me to: get back in shape; donate to the American Civil Liberties Union; re-read Kurt Vonnegut; listen to more Pete Seeger; scrape the eagle poop off our living room window (specifically because that’s something he’d never do) and walk around dispensing cheesy, bumper sticker-like advice such as, “Commit random acts of kindness,” “Be the change you want to see in the world” and, “War is not the answer (unless the question is which funk band scored a Top 10 hit with the 1975 single ‘Why Can’t We Be Friends?’).”
But perhaps most importantly, these days, I’m really focused on the Geoff Kirsch brand.
In fact, I’m planning on releasing my own fragrance: “Slacker for Men.” It smells like coffee and pallet fires, with just the faintest hint of BO. It’s gonna be huge — YUGE!
Also, look for my forthcoming lines of gourmet steaks, designer neckties and luxury hotels, you know, as soon as my dad comes through with that million-dollar start-up loan… Oh! And if any of you know of a reality game show that needs hosting, I’m totally available. I’d even be willing to get hand augmentation surgery.
In the meantime, I can roll out one product immediately, right in time for the holidays. This year, give the gift that keeps on giving: me.
That’s right. Geoff Kirsch, now available for hire as a one-on-one writing coach and editor.
OK, I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured this isn’t some phony “Kirsch University” scam. I’m offering honest-to-goodness motivation, education and expertise in fiction, non-fiction, memoir and humor writing. Together, we’ll identify your goals and tailor an individualized plan. All levels welcome, from enthusiastic beginner to aspiring professional — even if you’ve never written a word (but always talk about it; you know who you are).
Think of me as a “personal trainer,” only without the rock-hard abs.
IMHO, I make a great gift, especially for the hard-to-shop-for. As such, I’m offering a holiday special on three- and 10-packs of one-hour sessions. And not just in Juneau, either; I’ll work with anyone, anywhere, provided you’ve got internet access, or at the very least, a postal address.
Because it’s the holidays, I thought I’d give everyone a little gift, myself — a free sample, if you will. It works for Costco; how else did I wind up with five pounds of Brazilian cheese bread?
Anyway, here are my Top 5 tips on writing. You know, if you want to take advice from a guy who moved from New York to Alaska to become a professional writer:
1. Relax. Put on some music, pour yourself a drink, spark up a doobie, even, if you’re of legal age and made it to Rainforest Farms before they sold out. Which brings me to the next tip…
2. Have fun. That’s the reason to write anything. It’s certainly not the money. When I break down how many hours of the last 20 years I’ve spent writing, and the total earnings it’s yielded, I’d have done better selling encyclopedias door-to-door. So why have I kept at it all this time — especially when I typically quit everything else? Because it’s fun. Frustrating sometimes, but ultimately fun.
3. Show, don’t tell. Except graphic love scenes. Those are next to impossible to write well, and believe me, I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried.
4. Making people laugh is a craft; making them cry is an art. The trick is doing both.
5. The world has plenty of writers; it has only one person with your experiences, your emotions, your perceptions of the life you lead and the world you live in. Writing gives it all voice — and that’s the real gift that keeps on giving.
• Geoff Kirsch is a Juneau-based writer and humorist. In addition to his award-winning column “Slack Tide” in the Juneau Empire, his work has appeared in/on Comedy Central, Huffington Post and the WGN America network, plus a variety of national, state and local media outlets; in 2011, he published the book-length “Run For Your Life Doomsday 2012!” (Workman NYC). Geoff holds a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing from New School University and has taught college-level composition, as well as numerous fiction, non-fiction and humor workshops. For more info about one-on-one coaching and editing, email geoff@geoffkirsch.com.
