How many times have you read an article in a magazine and exclaimed loudly (hopefully, no one is around to hear) “I don’t flippin’ believe it!” If that’s you, then Juneau’s Jeff Brown, the self-proclaimed “Editor Guy” of Real Alaskan Magazine, has a magazine for you. From the git-go, as the magazine says, you know the “resemblance between this magazine and true fact is pure luck.”
I don’t know about the rest of you, but what I love about my favorite mags are the ads. Screw the articles. They’re filled with half-truths, anyway. Brown doesn’t mess around – he cuts to the chase. He ditches most of the articles (and his are 100 percent lies — he ‘fesses right up) and gives you what you’re looking for — ads. There are tons of them. And, please keep a secret, but some of them depict real businesses.
Are you one of those people who reads magazines for their educational content? C’mon, who are you fooling? Smell the roses. Or, in Real Alaskan Magazine, sniff the dead salmon. Point is: skip the educational chazerei and go for the real stuff — ads that lie to your face. Okay, the articles are pure fabrications too, but the ads put them to shame. Among the gems delivered straight to your funny bone is the public service announcement about “The Real Alaskan Animal Shelter.” Not only can you adopt salmon from this wonderful sanctuary, but, as it helpfully points out, “you can eat them when they stop playing fetch.” Talk about community service. Along that same community service line is the ad that makes fish hatcheries available to everyone. The “Genuine All-Alaskan Home Hatchery Kit” gives you all the necessary ingredients to start your very own hatchery — right in the privacy of your bathroom. Mix the eggs and sperm, let em’ stew a few months, then flush those puppies down the loo and wait for those suckers to “migrate home.” What could be easier?
And there’s more. There are the historical, archaeological discoveries, meticulously vetted and sumptuously framed, for its discerning readers. This year Real Alaskan Magazine uses its center pages to plaster a two page pictorial spread honoring the enormously moving discovery at Salmonhenge, not to be confused with its inferior cousin, Stonehenge, back in merry ole England. The most amazing thing about this stunning find of rigid rock-like salmon is that we’re not made privy to the actual location of this natural phenomenon. Way to go! Keep the myth humming!
Come to think of it, now that I’ve closely perused all the contents of this exemplary journal, there’s not a single article in it. OMG!! Like Charlton Heston screams in Soylent Green: “They’re making our food out of people.” Oh, wait a second, wrong review. Anyway, no articles — it’s all ads — what’s the world coming to I ask you — ads, ads of course. Okay so I’m exaggerating; the mag does have some articles and they do keep faith with the magazine’s general tenor. I’m sure you see a theme in this year’s edition — salmon. Brown is doing everything he possibly can to burnish the image of our state pet — Sammy the Salmon. Ya know, it’s like he’s on a mission; he’s on a salmon sacred mission. Knowing how much the folks here in Alaska love their salmon and how impatient we can become at times, Brown shares a stunning breakthrough guaranteed to revolutionize salmon production – “Full-size salmon in 13 days!” Believe it or not, the acclaimed Dr. Rudolph Spengler (no, I’ve never heard of him before) from “the Institute of White Noise” reveals how by using a “combination of light therapy and hormones” they’ve figured out how to reduce the maturation cycle of a salmon “from a year … to little more than a week.” Can this possibly be true? What are you — a complete loon? Of course not! But who cares when it’s such a delicious lie.
Finally, there’s another explosive article that I hope bears some resemblance to truth. If so, I’m gonna call that researcher at the University of Fairbanks who has been “working around the clock to discover how to communicate with moose.” I’ve got this ole momma moose out in my backyard who’s been trying to chew my ear off for years. Now, I’ll finally get to find out what she’s been mewling about. Right.
Remember, Real Alaskan Magazine, issued annually on April Fools’ Day, is regarded by Brown as the stepchild of National Lampoon. That should tell you all you need to know.
Real Alaskan Magazine is available for $10 at Haines’ Babbling Book, Ketchikan’s Parnassus Books, Skagway’s Granny’s Gold Rush Garage Gallery, Sitka’s Old Harbor Books, and in Juneau at Hearthside Books, Hummingbird Hollow (airport), the Juneau Arts and Culture Center, Rainy Retreat Books, Rainbow Foods, and Shoefly-Hudsons, among other locations. Go to http://bit.ly/261YKkn for more information.
• David Fox is a freelance writer who resides in Anchorage. Contact him at dfox@gci.com.
