If you were at a graduation and the speaker said something about believing in yourself and then you heard someone in the crowd cry out, “that’s bologna (I was going to write a more passionate word, but my father was just visiting and requested I stop swearing),” it was me.
Also if you were watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and a person in the crowd started snorting during the David Hasselhoff dialogue, that was also me. I almost fell off my chair laughing. I loved Knight Rider and now I must see if it is on Netflix so I can expose my children to true wisdom.
But, back to believing in yourself.
Besides being idolatry, it’s a dumb idea.
Don’t do it.
Unless you’ve had tons of psychoanalysis and an amazing sense of your shadow self.
Still don’t do it.
We lie to ourselves on a regular basis. It is nearly impossible for us to stop imagining that we are the norm for civilization and justifying our behavior because we know our “noble” motives or blame others for making us victims. The prime example is driving. If you ever catch yourself cursing the idiot in front of you for going too slowly or the idiot zooming around you for going too fast, then you probably should not believe in yourself.
Most adults aren’t self aware enough to trust in themselves, let alone children.
Here are some alternatives I would offer in lieu of the standard “believe in yourself” graduation mantra.
1. Invest in self-interest. Be aware of what keeps you healthy and engaged. Self-interest is a vital skill and different from selfishness. I know that I need to eat well, exercise daily, have quiet time, and sleep at least seven hours or nobody will want to be near me. It is not in my self-interest or the interest of any people I love to think I can sacrifice health.
2. Be compassionate. Listen to the stories of others to keep your own in check. When we believe and trust in ourselves, it often leaves us judging and condemning others. Cultivating empathy and understanding of the journeys of others can help us not be jerks.
3. Have friends who call you on your baloney and celebrate your gifts. OK. Maybe that could never be a graduation speech, but friendship is much more helpful in seeing you through life than believing in yourself. Friends keep us honest in our success and failures.
4. Believing you can do something doesn’t actually mean you can. Sorry. I think it’s cruel to raise generations with this myth that they can be anything they want to be. It’s not that I think the opportunities are limited, but I find myself talking with way too many young people who imagine since they want to be something, they magically get to do that.
I think it is much more honest to tell graduates to plan on working lousy jobs for a while as you pursue what is your heart’s desire, and not to be surprised if you don’t figure out what your heart’s desire is. It will be hard and tedious, but welcome to life. Fame and success are not ends in themselves. Relationships are.
5. I don’t believe in you. I never tell the youth at church that I believe in them because I’ve seen brilliant kids spiral in addictions and I’ve seen kids with a million challenges blossom with resiliency. If I trusted in them to succeed, I’d be angry and bitter at them for not living up to my expectations. And it would stand in the way of what I think our call truly is.
Love. Love. Love.
When a graduate returns with piercings, tattoos and a puffy face from a few too many parties, I still wrap my arms around them and love them to pieces. When a graduate returns with stories of dreams fulfilled and phenomenal travels, I wrap my arms around them and love them to pieces.
We are not called to believe in each other. None of us can carry that kind of burden. We are called to love. Ourselves and each other.
So if a speaker got up there and told graduates to love themselves, I would shout out “Amen!” It would still be kind of awkward for my kids, but at least I wouldn’t swear.
• Tari Stage-Harvey is pastor at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church.
