1. What happened to the snow?
2. Also, what happened to Snow? You know, the Canadian reggae singer who scored a hit in 1992 with that song “Informer?”
3. I’ll tell you what happened: it keeps getting hot and wet (and not hot and wet in a good way), with brief intermittent stretches of gonad-shriveling cold (and not gonad-shriveling cold in a good way, either).
4. The other Snow probably joined the witness protection program… in light of all the informing he did.
5. With each passing day, I’m finding it harder and harder to envision a real, sustained comeback for both.
6. Juneau just experienced its second-lowest total snowfall in December since 1936, 1.3 inches at sea level. But of course, as any weatherman will tell you, it’s not the size of your snowfall that matters — it’s how you use it.
7. Maybe we’re being punished by the universe for failing to adequately support the Wal-Mart it once so graciously bestowed upon us.
8. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Juneau’s weather is like a bad girlfriend/boyfriend. “No, I promise it’ll be different this time,” it seems to say, and maybe it is for a while. But then it turns crappy again and stays that way until you’re ready to call it quits for good, but then it’s suddenly all nice again… of course, only just enough to keep you hanging on.
9. Indefinitely.
10. On the bright side, no shoveling, studded tire change-outs or shoes required to go out and pee off the deck.
11. Also, I don’t necessarily need to put on pants to leave the house. Pants really stifle my creativity; ratty old cargo shorts let it breathe.
12. Think of all the money the city’s saving on plowing and sanding.
13. Maybe even enough to fund a municipal indoor trampoline park.
14. Or a second humpback whale sculpture. Then at least we’d have a breeding pair.
15. I’ll admit it. I’m glad not to be out there chipping ice from my driveway with a splitting maul.
16. Although now I’m forced to deal with all the junk in my yard I thought I could hide until April, at least.
17. And what am I supposed to do with all this rock salt? Open a pretzel stand?
18. Oh, well. When life hands you climate change, you make climate change-ade.
19. With all this unexpected indoor time, maybe I won’t wait until the last possible minute to file my family’s PFD applications and income tax return. Maybe.
20. I sure could use a blizzard right about now. Or a “Blizzard”™ (with brownies, cookie dough and peanut butter cups).
21. Too bad there’s no Dairy Queen in Juneau, either.
22. A snowflake consists of roughly 1,019 water molecules, coincidentally the same number of times I refresh my NOAA weather app every hour.
23. Kids aren’t nearly as excited to go out and play in the sleet.
24. Can’t say I blame them. Would you want to have a slush ball fight or build a wintry-mix man?
25. Although it’s nice to stroll around downtown without crampons and a partner on belay.
26. Even without a snow, every day can be a powder day once you buy a five-pound bag of confectioner’s sugar.
27. We’ve greatly reduced our susceptibility to “snow blindness.” Warning: we’re still very much at risk for “beer goggles.” That’s an all-season, all-weather affliction. Just ask my wife — she continues to suffer the after-effects of a particularly rough bout she had, let’s see, it’ll be 18 years ago this coming March. Which reminds me, better set an alert to buy her some flowers.
28. If you’re missing that delicious “crunch, crunch, crunch” of walking through fresh snow, simulate it like a Hollywood sound studio by tossing a mixture of cornstarch, salt and kitty litter on the floor. Then bring in your cat, you know, to mimic the frozen turds that inevitably appear once the snow sits around for a little while.
29. Does missing the smell of snow-blower exhaust make me a shoddy environmentalist?
30. Because I’m totally jonesing for it; I’m tempted to go fire-up the weedwacker.
31. I wonder how many snow cone-makers it’d take to cover the neighborhood sledding hill. How much cherry syrup?
32. My mildew garden is flourishing… and by mildew garden, I mean vinyl siding.
33. Better start planning for summer now — there’s a really good chance it’s also going to be 40 degrees and raining every day.
34. According to scientists, a variation of snow falls on Venus; only instead of frozen water, it’s composed of heavy metals and sulfur. I bet the people on Venus would kill for a winter like ours.
35. That’s all I’m saying. At least it’s not snowing heavy metals and sulfur. Although, that’d make a pretty solid ski base, I bet.
36. You heard it here: Ski Venus!
• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday.
