Happy ‘Neau Year: Resolutions for Juneau in 2019

It’s a time for reflection, self-improvement and a trampoline park.

Well, Christmas season is behind us and still 34 more shopping days until President’s Day Eve — you should see the John Quincy Adams nativity scene I’m working on — Abigail looks great!

This time of year presents a natural opportunity for reflection, introspection and a renewed commitment to self-improvement. And yet, while half of all Americans make some type of New Year’s resolutions, statistics show nine out of 10 of us will ultimately fail to keep them (and that other person probably resolved to do something super easy, like to catch up on “Game of Thrones” before the season premiere).

[Photos: Best of 2018 in Juneau]

But that’s not to say we can’t improve our odds. Experts generally agree the most effective strategies involve making specific resolutions, publicizing those resolutions and enticing others to join the effort.

And so in that spirit, I present my annual list of New Year’s resolutions for Juneau, or, as I like to call them, ’Neau Year’s Resolutions.

[Counting down the top stories of 2018 in Juneau]

(In no particular order) in 2019, let us all resolve to:

• Refrain from group texts unless it pertains to the entire group.

• Volunteer … or at least “like” volunteering on Facebook.

• Look local first. Unless you’re talking about kosher deli. Or men’s formal wear. Or a trampoline park.

• Pursuant to above: Build a trampoline park. Perhaps we can live without pastrami and tuxedos, but at the risk of speaking for all 32,000 of us, Juneau wants to jump!

• Reconnect with family and friends. How else do you intend to hawk all those nutritional supplements and essential oils?

• Fully appreciate the genius of “Weird Al” Yankovic. More than three decades after “Eat It,” and he’s still releasing hits — “Hamilton Polka” reached No. 23 on Billboard’s digital sales chart this past March. I’m telling you, Weird Al deserves Kennedy Center Honors.

• Write the correct year on checks — if not immediately, then at least sometime before the end of this coming December. Last week the bank returned one I accidentally dated 2017.

• Actually, come to think of it, stop writing checks. Who are you, your grandfather?

• Intensify your ongoing search for Sasquatch. He’s got to be around here somewhere.

• Stop “turtling” out of driveways, parking spots and stop signs. Go or don’t go — make a choice and stick with it. And pedestrians: let’s resolve to cross streets only at appointed crosswalks, as opposed to, say, a dark, icy four-lane highway … dressed in black and futzing with your Juul.

• However, let us simultaneously resolve not to shout obscenities at those who break the above resolutions. We live in a small town. That person could wind up being your colon hydro-therapist.

• Get more exercise, or at least download the 7-Minute Workout app.

• Continue lobbying the City and Borough of Juneau to adopt the official slogan: “Juneau? No, no, no. Ju-YES!” Or, barring that: “Any Way Ju-Want It, That’s the Way Ju-Need It.” Pretty sure Journey would cut us a break on rights.

• Be patient while: waiting for the weather to change; waiting for the weather to change back; experiencing a poor FaceTime connection; helping your fifth-grader with her math homework — you don’t know how to do it, either; explaining to outsiders (yet again) that in Alaska, it’s dark in the winter and light in the summer, just like everywhere in the Northern Hemisphere; trying to find an avocado that’s ripe the day you need it and, perhaps most importantly, skiing with your significant other. We’re trying our best. Not everyone’s a natural athlete. Some of us did theatre in high school, you know?

• Stop watching so much Netflix. That’s valuable Amazon Prime time you’re missing.

• Learn who Post Malone, JoJo Siwa and Tekashi 6ix9ine actually are, and why their names keep popping up in your newsfeed.

• Work to develop innovative, sustainable solutions for Alaska’s financial future. Or just hit up a cannabis dispensary — that way you can “stimulate the economy” every night while you crank “Dark Side.”

• Start the new year fresh and leave 2018 behind by foreswearing the following: “squishies;” CBD oil (what’s next, infusing everything with non-alcoholic beer?); talking about Donald Trump (same resolution every year since 2015 — this time, let’s make it stick); government shutdowns (d’oh! Broke it already); asking people if they’ve seen “Bird Box”; outrageous expressions of disbelief upon learning someone hasn’t seen “Bird Box” yet; and can we please be done passing off cauliflower as “rice”? There’s only so much roughage a guy can stand.

• Get rid of that junk on the side of your house. You know you’ve got some.

• Ditto: that junk at the bottom of your driveway. You know you’ve some of that, too.

• Less salsa, more pico. More tamari, less soy. Less ketchup, more Sriracha-mayo. And the exact same amount of ranch. As you can see, I devote a lot of thought to sauces. Frankly, my life is all the richer for it.

• Last but not least: this year, let us all resolve to take everything less seriously. And I mean everything. Well, except rec-league softball — better start sharpening your spikes now. And does anyone know where I can score some human growth hormone?

Happy 2019, Juneau. Now let’s build that trampoline park.


• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday.


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