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Slack Tide: A Yelp review of Mom Dad’s Bed Breakfast

Now, we’re not the type to complain…

By Geoff Kirsch

Now, we’re not the type to complain… unless we discover the other sibling received more sugar and/or screen time than us (then all bets are off). But, sad to say, things at Mom & Dad’s Bed & Breakfast have started slipping lately, in ways requiring more than a Band-Aid fix (speaking of which, Mom & Dad’s now limits Band-Aid use to bleeding wounds only; everything else is BYOB-A).

We’re regular customers, having frequented Mom & Dad’s for years, now. Not only is it our go-to spot for meals, drinks and apps; we also stay here whenever we’re in Juneau, which is pretty much always. In fact, in many ways, we consider Mom & Dad’s our “home away from home” (our real home being an old refrigerator box in the living room crammed with pillows, stuffed animals and half-eaten bags of Sour Patch Kids).

[Slack Tide: I’m so tired]

Well, you wouldn’t know it from the staff’s attitude! Even the wake-up calls are pushy.

Menu: Fare at Mom & Dad’s is a crapshoot — anything from scrambled eggs to Costco spinach ravioli to weird curries only the adults you’re forced to share your table with will like. Point is, you never know what you’re going to get, although it almost always involves salmon. And the servers act all snotty when you ask about other entree options, or if the kitchen can just whip up a hot dog instead. Plus, menu items don’t always arrive as advertised. When you order a box of Annie’s Organic Shells and White Cheddar, it shouldn’t come with a side of kale or have broccoli all mixed-up into it—am I right?! Guests should also be advised Mom & Dad’s dessert menu is extremely limited, and don’t even ask to see it until you’ve finished all your salmon (which you didn’t even order in the first place).

Service: Service is inconsistent, especially in the morning. Sometimes staff is really cheerful, ready to whip up heart-shaped pancakes and watch “Bob’s Burgers” with you; but mostly it’s like “have some cereal and find something productive to do.” Even more unpredictable: the shuttle schedule. By the way, the van could use a good cleaning; we’re almost repulsed enough to stop eating in there. And what happened to the customer is always right? At Mom & Dad’s, you can wait up to five minutes for someone to bring you water and when you politely remind your servers, they have the nerve to suggest you try doing it yourself!

Accommodations: The place is cozy and the view is nice, you know, if you like snow-capped mountains. But frankly, we prefer to look at Tik-Tok. The lounge is usually available any time of day (once you start blasting Tik-Tok at top volume it usually clears out pretty quick). However, the housekeeping leaves much to be desired. I mean, what other BnB makes you pick up your own dirty underwear?! Also, we’ve been in the owners’ bedroom and they have a Tempurpedic mattress and we don’t — totally unacceptable. Attempts to swap rooms have met with minimal success, as have alternate comprises, e.g. extended nighttime hours; addition of Fruit Loops to the continental breakfast bar; a pet hedgehog.

Overall: Mom & Dad’s suffers from being a large player in a small market. If you ask us, this lack of competition has bred laziness — for instance, the Halloween decorations are still up but ground remains unbroken on the tree house management promised to “think about.”

We will, however, admit the value here is pretty good, as everything is free. Plus, as members of Mom & Dad’s customer loyalty program, “Allowance”™, we get $1 cash back each week to spend on Sour Patch Kids. Bottom line: in whatever ways we may find Mom & Dad’s Bed & Breakfast lacking — PlayStation! — we don’t have many other choices. Of course, there’s always Grandma & Grandpa’s, but that’s a few thousand miles away. And their Wi-Fi’s always down.

• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears twice monthly in Neighbors.

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