Let me start by saying there’s nothing funny about gun violence. Well, except maybe that movie “The Naked Gun,” by the people who made “Airplane!,” and even then, it’s kind of dated. I mean, there’s jokes about Gorbachev. Woof.
Anyway, I’ve heard lots of talk about gun control lately, specifically banning certain types of guns and/or limiting their accessibility. While many favor this idea, an outcry has arisen among those who fear infringement on their second amendment rights.
If you are one of these people, listen up: if the government truly does want to “take away” your guns, I say let them. Personally, I prefer to defend myself as nature intended — with mail-order tactical knives (and swords).
That’s right. I’m a proud knife-wielding American, like Rambo or Anthony Perkins in “Psycho.” And I display my patriotism through my collection of bladed combat weaponry: Bowie knives, boot knives, belt knives, cutlasses, scimitars, tomahawks, single-headed battle axes, double-headed battle axes — I even have a war hammer. That’s not to mention my nightstick, my blackjack, my locking solid steel baton, my traditional Irish shillelagh, my stainless steel chain whip and my 8-foot leather bullwhip — in fact, I sleep with it under my pillow. You know, in case Nazis break in and try to steal the Ark of the Covenant.
I’m just saying — and don’t get your panties in a twist, NRA — guns are for wusses. Any fool with a trigger finger can operate a gun. It takes a real man to handle a Covenant Titanium Fantasy Saber … let alone vanquish his foes with it.
Like most of us, I grew up in a culture of mail order tactical knives. Indeed, some of my most treasured childhood memories are of hunting with my father. We’d head into the woods with our undercover push daggers, hide and wait, and when a deer sauntered by, dad would step up and start beef by insulting the deer’s girlfriend or something, while I crept up from behind and shivved him in the lungs. Then dad would finish him off with a Black Legion Honshu Karambit to the jugular. I’ll tell you, I never felt closer to the old man than the day we took down a five-point buck with nothing but a set of ninja throwing stars.
These days, my own son and daughter log countless hours clicking through military bayonets and Kukri machetes in the U.S. Tactical Supply catalog. Obviously, they’re still too young to carry their own knives, but I did just buy them pocket tasers. Whenever my kids play with them, oh, how their faces light up with joy … and also 2 million volts of electric current.
Of course, mail order tactical knives aren’t just for men (and little children). My wife never leaves the house without her 12-inch fixed blade cleaver. She calls it “The Circumciser.” Fits right in her purse. We’re also thinking about outfitting the cars with nunchaku, only we can’t decide between wood or acrylic. Now, if you ask me, when it comes to nunchaku, nothing beats the natural feel of wood, but acrylic comes in a bunch of different colors … and it would be nice if they matched our Escrima Fighting Sticks.
Sure, mail order tactical knives can be dangerous, but surely no more dangerous than the Black Hornet Folding Grappling Hook, and I’ve got three of those.
Plus, the only thing that beats a bad guy with a Death Talon Ryu Samurai Katana is a good guy with a Death Talon Ryu Samurai Katana. We even met with our kids’ school about putting one in each classroom for protection. But the principal said no (I told my wife she should’ve brandished “The Circumciser;” oh well, next time).
At least give the teachers something, even a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire, which one online company sells under the product name “Lucille” (from the product description: “Lucille is a dirty girl, and she doesn’t take any back talk from anyone.”). I’m just saying if — heaven forbid — a bunch of zombies were to descend on the school, I want the faculty and staff to be able to bash in some skulls instead of running into a spooky graveyard or abandoned farmhouse or whatever. While we’re at it, let’s give them hammers and wooden stakes, too, in case of vampire.
Look, I know mail order tactical knives and swords aren’t the answer to everything. Then again, you’d be surprised at how effective “The Circumciser” can be at changing people’s minds. Think about it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a lot of sharpening to do.
Remember: they may take away our guns, but they’d have to pry the Colossal Blackout Stiletto from my cold, dead hands, which themselves are wearing Skull Gauntlet 11.5-inch finger spikes. Those things are badass. And completely legal. With no restrictions of any kind. Seriously.
• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday.