Please, Fish and Wildlife Service, help me introduce polar bears to Antarctica

Please, Fish and Wildlife Service, help me introduce polar bears to Antarctica

First off, let me briefly mention my two current GoFundMe campaigns.

The first is the cloning and reintroduction of short-faced bears, dire wolves and steppe lions to North America. It’s the only way to save family values, bring the war on drugs to an end, end hyperpartisanship and make our country great again.

My other idea is to start a human collaring and monitoring program — akin to the one for the wolves of Yellowstone, which was a great success — so we can have a better understanding of our eating, mating and other social phenomena. We need to collect better data to manage ourselves for optimal yield. Besides, a lot of us could use the exercise and emotional stimulation that comes with being chased by a helicopter and shot at.

If the federal government is interested in allotting funds for either of these ideas I have all sorts of diagrams, charts and papers proving the science.

That said, I’m not that naïve and realize that reintroducing extinct mega predators and fitting people with GPS collars isn’t spicy enough to capture the imagination and tax dollars of the American people

Enough about that. You’ve probably heard all those Libtards babbling about how we’re living in the greatest extinction since when the dinosaurs disappeared from Earth. Global warming this; global warming that. While most of that is obviously fake news used for mind control by Dems, there is no denying the world is changing at a rate that our children will no longer have to worry about going to college. Instead, they’ll get to go all Mad Max and join gangs, wear jockstraps on the outside of their pants and drive cool off-road vehicles in their constant search for fresh water and other gangs to enslave and cannibalize.

There is one issue related to our changing world dear to every red-blooded American’s heart: cute little fluffy baby polar bears are running out of ice and snow. Polar bears are not photogenic when they’re dirty. They need snow to roll around in, so they can look virginally white (that’s also my idea for a new crayon color) just like nature intended. I think we can all get behind the rallying cry of “Let’s Make Polar Bears White Again!”

Why not transport a few dozen polar bears to Antarctica, where there is still plenty of snow and ice? The whole starving issue will be easily resolved by the flocks of slow-moving Emperor penguins. Yes, we will lose a few bears to bowel obstructions caused by all those feathers but I’m confident the bears will be appropriately white, and their population will grow. If there is too much concern we could always hire people to chase down and pluck the birds beforehand.

Sure, some people will find my idea controversial. Many might think it basically boils down to the survival of penguin versus polar bear. It doesn’t have to be that way. I propose taking the few Emperors polar bears don’t eat and introducing them to the Arctic. Since there will no longer be polar bears there, the penguins will thrive. And, they’ll have plenty of water to keep them from looking dirty.

Please give me all the permits, traps, drugs and a yacht — preferably one that has a glass swimming pool as part of its hull, so it looks like I’m swimming with whales and other sea creatures — necessary.

Not only is my idea great for the survival of the species, but in time my polar bears could become an economic boom in adventure tourism. I already have plans to hire animal linguists and psychics to train the bears to look deep into people’s eyes and say things like “you’re special” and “you’re safe.”

Who wouldn’t pay top dollar for that?

• Bjorn Dihle is a Juneau writer. He is the author of “Haunted Inside Passage: Ghosts, Legends and Mysteries of Southeast Alaska” and “Never Cry Halibut: and Other Alaska Fishing and Hunting Tales.” You can contact or follow him at

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