"Bald pride abounds," writes Geoff Kirsch. "In fact, a Bald Men Club of Japan holds an annual Bald Man Competition. In this Olympic-style international tournament, two men stick suction cups to their heads, attached to a single red rope, and then attempt to pull off their opponent’s cup, tug-of-war style. Better start training for next year; I wonder what the rules say about Spider Tack…" (Unsplash /  Chalo Garcia)

Slack Tide: The good, the bald and the ugly

A look at merely a few benefits of being bald…

  • By Geoff Kirsch
  • Friday, March 10, 2023 12:18pm
  • Neighbors

Now, I’m bald… or, as some of us prefer to be called, a “Hairless-American.”

In fact, I’ve been bald for decades, long before Samuel L. Jackson made it cool. Ah, I’ll never forget that night, summer after junior year of high school, when a girl I’d improbably been making headway with abruptly stopped running her fingers through my hair and said: “What’s this little missing patch back here?” Man, that evening took a sharp turn.

You see, like millions of men, I suffer from male pattern baldness. Doctors call this condition “androgenic alopecia,” stemming from hypersensitivity to dihydrotestosterone (DHT), which literally kills the hair follicles on top of our heads. Ah, I’ll never forget that morning, after I shared this explanation with my then-five-year-old son, who in relaying it to his attractive, young preschool teacher said: “Daddy’s testicles died.” You got that right, kid.

Of course, being stuck with a flesh yarmulke nearly all my adult life left me little choice but to grin and bare scalp it. Here are merely a few benefits of being bald:

• I don’t clog the shower drain.

• I’m lice proof, dandruff resistant and I’ll never have a bad hair day (although in some ways being bald is like having the worst hair day, every day, your remaining days on earth).

• I’m both hydro and aerodynamic, which would come in handy, you know, if I actually swam or ran.

• I’ve wound up with a rad collection of hats, hats being the poor man’s toupee, much like Funyuns are the vegetarian’s pork rinds.

• I haven’t spent a dime on haircuts since 1999, thereby saving a total of roughly $6,000. Another 24 years, I can buy myself a skiff. What’s your hair earning you?

• Baldness is natural. Why fight biology, that’s my motto, which explains my gut. And raptor toenails.

• I’m spared the agony of slowly going grey. I once enjoyed a glorious mass of shoulder-length, flame red curls. By college graduation, they were gone. But, as Neil Young famously put it, “Better to burn out than fade away.” Of course, that’s easy for him to say; he’s almost 80 and still rocking those awesome mutton-chops.

• I’ll never, ever be tempted to wear a man bun.

• I’m closer to my thoughts… you know, approaching them from the outside.

• Talk about a great excuse for growing a beard. Nothing like a big, fat beard to take the sting out of going bald, although now THAT’s slowly going grey.

• One average, bald men have higher levels of testosterone, which proves my point, yet again: hair is for kids; it takes a real man to wear a ridiculous terry cloth sweatband when he plays pick-up basketball.

• I can entertain a room full of children with nothing more than my scalp and a box of magic markers, preferably washable.

Indeed, these are heady days for those of us forced to wear a permanent inverted Mohawk. Bald pride abounds. In fact, a Bald Men Club of Japan holds an annual Bald Man Competition. In this Olympic-style international tournament, two men stick suction cups to their heads, attached to a single red rope, and then attempt to pull off their opponent’s cup, tug-of-war style. Better start training for next year; I wonder what the rules say about Spider Tack…

Chrome domes we can all admire include: Shakespeare, Gandhi, Bernie Sanders, Michael Stipe, Vin Diesel, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Sinead O’Connor, Lex Luthor, Jeff Bezos, Bozo the Clown, Mr. Clean, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, the lead singer of Midnight Oil, the drummer of AC/DC, every member of the Blue Man Group, Winston Churchill, Pac-Man, Dr. Phil, Mr. Magoo, Mr. Burns, George Burns, Bill Murray, Pitbull, Orville Redenbacher, Moby, Charlie Brown and, of course, the Dark Lord Voldemort.

So say it loud: I’m bald and I’m proud!

And please, whatever you do… Don’t grow a comb-over.

• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears twice monthly in Neighbors.

More in Neighbors

"A kid’s hardest task is to learn how to translate their parents’ words into intelligible language. Baffled kids often ask, 'What is my mother saying?'" writes Peggy McKee Barnhill. (Unsplash / Vadim Bogulov)
Gimme a Smile: What is my mother saying?

Kids, let me enlighten you.

Jane Hale (Courtesy Photo)
Coming Out: At the pool

This column is a kind of conscientious objection…

"After nearly two decades in such a unique place, Alaska’s definitely rubbed off on me," writes Geoff Kirsch. "These streak marks, so to speak, appear most noticeable whenever I visit the Lower 48, land of Dairy Queens, zoning laws and people who’ve never scraped eagle poop from their windshields. To wit, nothing makes me appreciate living in Alaska more than leaving for a few weeks." Unsplash / Greg Rosenke
Slack Tide: Alaska vs. the Lower 48

On one hand, flavorful tomatoes. On the other hand, the PFD.

t
Recognitions for the week of March 19

Juneau students earn academic honors

This photo shows AWARE’s 2023 Women of Distinction (left to right) Kate Wolfe, Jennifer Brown, LaRae Jones and Susan Bell. (Courtesy Photo)
Thank you letter for the week of March 19, 2023

Thank you, merci, danke, gracias, gunalchéesh.

During winter 2022-23, contractors replace the awning structure on the 1904-1913 Valentine Building. The historic building was listed on the National Register of Historic Places in 1985. Its location at the corner of Front and Seward streets is also within Juneau’s Downtown Historic District. (Laurie Craig / For the DBA)
Rooted in Community: The historic Valentine Building and the Findley Family

Many shops have occupied the Seward Street storefronts while Juneau Drug anchors the corner space.

Joab Cano (Courtesy Photo)
Living & Growing: Trust in God

Do you trust in God?

"Bald pride abounds," writes Geoff Kirsch. "In fact, a Bald Men Club of Japan holds an annual Bald Man Competition. In this Olympic-style international tournament, two men stick suction cups to their heads, attached to a single red rope, and then attempt to pull off their opponent’s cup, tug-of-war style. Better start training for next year; I wonder what the rules say about Spider Tack…" (Unsplash /  Chalo Garcia)
Slack Tide: The good, the bald and the ugly

A look at merely a few benefits of being bald…

Jane Hale (Courtesy Photo)
Coming Out: A brief desultory digression

Wisdom in Willie and Waylon and veritable virtue in Virgil.

Most Read