Slack Tide: 50 random thoughts while de-icing my driveway

  • By Geoff Kirsch
  • Sunday, January 22, 2017 8:44am
  • Neighbors

1. Here we go again.

2. De-icing my driveway in full rain gear — that’s so winter in Juneau.

3. Ditto: skiing in chest waders.

4. I did both this past week.

5. I’m going to assume my ice chopper is sharp. I just sharpened it four Januarys ago.

6. The least I can do is make sure the head is on tight.

7. #$%*&!

8. Note to self: in future, also check the pick-axe head.

9. Also, always have the good sense to put the kids to work on the front steps, far, far, far from harm’s way—even if you aren’t using power tools, you know yourself too well.

10. I wonder how many other guys question their manhood when they mishandle their tools.

11. This driveway seems a lot steeper on foot than by car.

12. Does driving anything other than a Nissan Leaf make me a shoddy environmentalist?

13. I forgot how slippery sheer ice can be.

14. To buy: Yaktrax, gravel (in bulk), ibuprofen (also in bulk).

15. I really should do a better job of plugging my one-on-one writing coaching/editing service.

16. Geoff Kirsch, one-on-one writing coach and editor. Offering motivation, education and expertise in fiction, non-fiction, memoir and humor writing. All levels welcome, from enthusiastic beginner to aspiring professional — even if you’ve never written a word (but always talk about it; you know who you are).

17. Think of me as a “personal trainer,” only without the rock-hard abs.

18. For more info or to sign up email geoff@geoffkirsch.com.

19. What’s the plural form of Nissan Leaf, anyway? Nissan Leaves? Or do we go with the Toronto Maple Leafs model? You know, metric plural?

20. Shoveling snow is a lot more fun. Especially ever since I hired that plow guy.

21. Whatever happened to the Canadian reggae singer Snow? You know, he scored a hit in the early 90s with that song “Informer”?

22. Maybe he joined the witness protection program. You know, considering all the informing he did.

23. Sure, the holidays are over, but one-on-one writing coaching and editing also makes a great gift for birthdays and anniversaries — even Valentine’s Day. Nothing says “I love you” like a three-pack of one-hour sessions …

24. … Except, perhaps, a 10-pack. Save 10 percent on both.

25. Maybe I should hook up a snowplow to my Subaru. Plowbaru. I like the sound of that.

26. Dude, I think I sprained my ankle.

27. Why can’t I chip the frozen Halloween jack-o-lanterns off the front deck with the same sense of urgency?

28. No, dude, seriously, I really think I sprained my ankle.

29. #$&@#%*&#@^!^$^!!!

30. Don’t tell me we’re out of rock salt.

31. Would soy sauce work? In a momentary lapse of reason I bought a five-gallon bucket of Kikkoman at Costco.

32. First of all, there’s only so much stir fry one family can eat.

33. Secondly, my wife is allergic to wheat, so we use gluten-free Tamari, anyway.

34. I’ve got a real love/hate relationship brewing with the municipal snowplow: love, in that it clears the calf-deep mire of dirty snow, suddenly rendering our road passable again; hate, in that it deposits an entire street’s worth of the stuff right onto the foot of my driveway, suddenly rendering it impassable again.

35. I wonder if Juneau Mountain Rescue ever had to rescue someone from his own driveway.

36. Maybe I should just leave it and let global warming do the work for me.

37. Only 10 more years until my son can do this.

38. Of course, maybe by then he won’t need to.

39. Hey, when life hands you climate change, you make climate change-ade.

40. Would my neighbors find an anatomically correct snowman humorous? Or would someone call the police?

41. The longer I chop ice without needing a defibrillator, the less likely I’ll need one at all.

42. I’m proud of myself for putting up a whole cord of firewood in my garage, Lincoln-logged for increased air-flow and everything.

43. No one must ever know I paid someone to deliver it.

44. D’oh.

45. I wonder how much “Irish” we have left for Irish coffee.

46. I can’t believe I’m destroying such a totally killer luging run.

47. I wish I had a flame-thrower. In the summer, I could use it to mow the lawn.

48. Quitting time. Can’t wait to do it all over again in a few days, after the next freeze-thaw cycle.

49. I hate hot summers so much more. Let’s not lose sight of that.

50. Now, about that Irish coffee.

• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday.

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