Well, it’s beginning to look a lot LESS like Christmas — what happened?! We were off to such a great start! The Pacific Decadal Oscillation can go oscillate itself!
Nonetheless, we find ourselves in mid-December and as the holidays approach, I remind us all of the true reason for the season: meeting fourth-quarter sales projections.
Ah, the time-honored holiday tradition of buying things nobody really needs — it’s as American as apple pie or Honey Bunches of Oats.
But here in Alaska’s Capital City, shopping can be a tricky business (especially if you’re looking for ripe avocados). And so I present this handy Juneau holiday gift guide, filled with great ideas for sourdoughs, cheechakos and everyone in between (cheechakurdoughs?).
Mustang® Survival Lingerie
Who says staving off hypothermia can’t be sexy? A must have for all those intimate evenings aboard your personal-use hand-troller. Pair with XTRATUF® Babydoll Nightie. NEW, for men, Kevlar® G-string.
Juneau Army Knife
Swiss Army Knives are for Europeans. Corkscrews and nail files may come in handy at your chalet in Gstaad, but we Juneauites demand more from our multi-tools. Components are specifically designed to open without making you put down your kombucha and include: pull-tab scratcher; beard waxxer; chainsaw; eagle poop-scraper; kale massager; extra-strong toothpick reinforced to handle even the most stubborn homemade jerkies; bolo tie (Gov. Bill Walker signature model only).
Special iteration of the Echo smart device, geared for the modern Alaskan lifestyle. Voice-controlled personal assistant AlAKsa can play media, provide information, manage your calendar and perform a variety of other tasks… but only when the fish aren’t running or it’s not a powder day — good luck getting it to work then.
Stay dry without dressing like you work on the slime line. And because the Stealth Umbrella is completely invisible, no one will know you’re violating that weird unspoken Juneau compact never to use umbrellas.
Beer Koozie Koozie
Keep your beer koozie cold.
A Bunch of Random Products with Fireweed in Them I Won at Some Silent Auction and am Now Re-Gifting
If you don’t want them, I guess I’ll give them to my kids’ teachers.
I don’t even know what that is, but a million tourists can’t be wrong.
Great Alaskan Hanukkah or “Alaskanukkah” Basket
Create a Hanukkah to top all Hanukkahs, even all the way in Alaska, where the North Pole is a real place and people eat reindeer for breakfast. This basket has everything you need to make your Alaskanunkkah bright: moose antler menorah; devil’s club dreidels; pre-packaged latke mix (good luck finding that anywhere else in Alaska!) and, for Christmas Day itself, Chinese food, because up here, even the Chinese restaurants close.
Juneau Scented Candle
This ain’t no dandified Yankee Candle. Available in a variety of patented Juneau scents: Smoked Salmon Breath, Chum Bucket, Wet Dog, Burn Pile (Original and Chemically-Treated), Defrosting Outhouse and Green Dispensary (don’t light that one until the kids are asleep).
Juneau Bug Armor
An actual suit of armor. Sometimes it’s the only stuff that works. Pair together with Juneau Fly Swatter (some of you may know it as a Medieval mace and chain).
Juneau Snow Shovel
Pretty much just a flamethrower. In summer, doubles as Juneau Yard Trimmer.
Juneau’s favorite home remedy, now in convenient pill form! Take two of these and call us in the morning, once you’ve sobered up — buzzed dialing is still impaired dialing.
“Dads of Juneau” Beefcake Calendar
Try not to drool as local middle-aged men strut their hot, steamy Southeast Alaskan dadbods, primed from a long, dark autumn filled with streaming Netflix and beer-battered halibut. Don’t worry — it’s only partial nudity. We tastefully cover everyone’s… er… let’s call it “Panhandle.”
And be sure to visit the Juneau App Store, featuring:
Maps route to nearest doula. Oh, there’s one. There’s another one. And another… Man, there’s a lot of doulas in this town.
Like the mega-popular live video platform Twitch, except instead of streaming video gaming and eSports, provides real-time feed of motorists on the Egan Highway during any type of snowfall.
Locates your lost GPS, which you swear you stashed in an action packer somewhere in your boat, garage, shed, crawl space or storage unit. Although it’s entirely possible you loaned it to any one of 20 people who swear they stashed it an action packer somewhere in their boat, garage, shed, crawl space or storage unit.
• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears every second and fourth Sunday.