We survived the COVID-19 pandemic. Specifically, we survived the Terrible Toilet Paper Troubles. Nothing like a shortage of toilet paper to make us all take stock of what’s important in life, and stock up. Be honest — did you hoard toilet paper in 2020? It doesn’t go bad, so it wouldn’t go to waste if you bought too much, right?
Our broken supply chains have been linked back together again, for the moment. Right now, the only thing we’re facing is the Egregious Egg Emergency, brought to us by bird flu. Are you seeing a pattern here? Empty shelves mock us with flashbacks to the Covid era. Rare egg carton sightings come with prices inching close to a dollar an egg. Some stores skip posting the price on the shelf at all. You can find out the worst at the cash register, where good manners forbid you from flinging the carton to the floor while screeching, “You’ll never catch me paying $10 a dozen. I’ll never eat another omelet again!” (Nice try, but you know you will.)
Brace yourself — the tariffs are coming next. We don’t know what their impact will be, although if I had to go out on a limb and make a prediction, I would guess that my overall grocery bill will go up. Yours will too.
What to do in the meantime to prepare? I have a few suggestions on how to economize.
• Strategize: They say you should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry. The idea is that the sound of your stomach grumbling will drown out all reason, and you will lose your self-control and buy every enticing treat on the shelves and blow your diet and your budget in one fell swoop. It could happen. You get home, unload your groceries, and see that you bought not only ordinary sandwich bread, but two loaves of cinnamon raisin bread, a dozen scones, and 17 individually wrapped mini baguettes that will all be stale by Thursday. How hungry were you, really?
• Prioritize: Step one — make a list. Step two — remember to take the list with you when you go to the store. Step three — solemnly swear that you won’t buy anything that’s not on the list. Step four — peer at the list as you wander through the aisles. Step five — wad up the list and throw it in the cart, and grab whatever looks good from the shelves. Step six — resolve to do better with the list next time.
• Exercise quality control: Open the cartons and check your eggs. Whip out your magnifying glass and inspect every millimeter of each eggy surface. Can you see any hairline cracks? Are there in fact 12 eggs in your dozen carton? Scrutinize expiration dates. Does that five-pound tub of ice cream have a “use by” date of tomorrow? Ask yourself, how many ice cream cones can you reasonably eat in a 24-hour period?
• Fantasize: Pretend that grocery shopping is fun. Turn your shopping trip into a game. One point for each expiration date you check. Two points if you choose generic over your favorite brand. Five points if you skip the snacks aisle completely. Ten points if you religiously stick to your list. Three points deducted for each non-list item in your cart. A positive score at the end of the shopping trip earns you a gold star. If you get to the cash register with a negative points balance, you have to confess your shortcomings to the cashier and do penance by offering to bag your own groceries. If you have a competitive nature, go grocery shopping with a friend and see who can rack up the most points in the shortest amount of time. Winner gets a free ride out to the car in the grocery cart.
• Rationalize: When all else fails, adjust your attitude. Yes, you’re paying a dollar an egg, but the whole dozen costs less than a plate of scrambled eggs and toast at a restaurant. In reality, you’re saving money. Give yourself a gold star and be happy.
Tariffs are coming. It’s never too early to get ready. Check your cupboard — do you have enough toilet paper?
• Peggy McKee Barnhill is a wife, mother, and author who writes cozy mysteries under the pen name “Greta McKennan.” She likes to look at the bright side of life.
