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Techwit By Jason Ohler

Citizen's rights groups have secretly always wanted him charged with invasion of privacy but have cut him decades of slack. It seems that St. Nick has long been respected by the champions of equal opportunity employment for hiring vertically challenged elves, who might otherwise find their diminutive stature a roadblock to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But the honeymoon's over. Citizen's rights groups now see Santa as a social profiler, stigmatizing innocent citizens with a label of naughty or nice that threatens their constitutional rights. Rumors abound that naughty people will have to register with local governments so that decent citizens know who they're living next to. And being labeled nice isn't much better. While nice guys may get toys, they do come in last.

Parents want Santa's database made available on the Internet. But they also want it password protected so only they can see their kids' information. Too busy for traditional child-rearing duties, today's parents feel they should have a right to any information about their children that could make their job easier. Think of the possibilities. Come home from work, log on to naughty-or-nice.com, and see what your kid's been up to. Not bad.

What do the kids say? A group of minors who didn't receive Christmas presents due to alleged naughtiness are considering a class-action lawsuit claiming wrongful gift withholding. This being America, they assumed they were nice until proven naughty. Urban legend has it that "Bad Boy Toy" is one of these kids, perhaps even their ringleader. The rumor is that one year he didn't get the skateboard he wanted for Christmas and the next year all he got were books. No wonder he's mad.

But all of this is irrelevant. Until the authorities catch "Bad Boy Toy," and the naughty-or-nice database is reinstated to its original condition, Santa's information is useless. In the meantime we will continue to question each other's character and patriotism. Like your neighbor over there. I know you thought he was nice. But maybe he's naughtier than you know. In these troubled times, no one's above suspicion. Not even Santa.

Jason Ohler is professor of educational technology at the University of Alaska Southeast and can be reached at jason@jasonohler.com. © 2002 Jason Ohler.