46°

Techwit By Jason Ohler

As sophisticated as the WORMIT is, it works pretty simply. You just talk into one end of it, and out the other comes the true meaning of what you just said. You got it: We finally have a machine that really understands us! I have been testing a WORMIT prototype in a number of situations with amazing results. For example, I attended some labor negotiations recently and heard the following:

Employee: I want a raise.

Supervisor: I'm sorry but we simply don't have the funds right now.

Here's how the WORMIT interpreted this conversation (parents, prepare yourselves for what you're about to read):

Employee: When I was a kid all I ever wanted was a dog. My parents would never let me have one. Please let me have a dog.

Supervisor: My parents never came to my baseball games when I was growing up and now I am going to take it out on you.

The WORMIT will have many handy uses. We may actually begin to understand why students don't like school. Guidance counselors will begin regularly using the WORMIT to help them deal with "problem students." I attended a meeting between a guidance counselor and one such student and managed to smuggle out the following transcript:

Guidance Counselor: So, why are you skipping math class?

Student: Because math is boring and irrelevant and taught by dweebs.

The WORMIT interpreted this conversation in the following way:

Guidance Counselor: Why must you torture me?

Student: Because math is boring and irrelevant and taught by dweebs.

Clearly, the WORMIT's accuracy is astounding.

Because entertainment is where the real money is at in the technology world, WORMIT will be used to research the next generation of games. I was asked by a parlor game company to use the WORMIT to analyze two people playing Go Fish. Here is a snippet of what happened:

Player One: Do you have any kings?

Player Two: No, go fish.

The WORMIT produced:

Player One: This is so boring. I wonder what's on TV?

Player Two: This is so boring. I wonder what's on TV?

As a result of my findings, the company decided to drop its line of card games and invest in a 24-hour interactive professional wrestling channel. Comes complete with knee pads and helmet.

You can see why the WORMIT is revolutionary. It takes the polygraph to the next level. When you get right down to it, who cares whether you're being honest? For all we know, you're lying to yourself and don't even realize it! We want to know what lurks in your subconscious.

Or perhaps we don't. When I asked a politician recently to identify the three most important issues facing our nation, his response was: environmental degradation, education and homelessness.

The WORMIT heard:

"Is my tie straight? Can you see my gold cufflinks? I wonder what color I'll paint the White House?"

And that's the truth.

Jason Ohler is professor of educational technology at the University of Alaska Southeast and can be reached at jason@jasonohler.com. © 2002 Jason Ohler.