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Techwit By Jason Ohler

My informal research suggests that the spam I receive is fairly typical. Who sends us this stuff? Those with the most to gain by understanding our weaknesses: Advertisers. Why do they send us this stuff? Simple. Their billions of dollars of research have figured out that we are basically insecure, crassly overweight, desperately lonely, sexually dysfunctional, always broke and - worst of all - in need of file folders. They see it as a win-win situation: They make money while helping make our lives a little less miserable.

How do they find us? We tell them who we are, what we like and how to contact us. Every time we click on an icon, fill out a product registration form, or sign up to hear about the latest in Caribbean cruises, the greater world of Internet advertising wakes up and says, "we've got a live one!" We invite them into our lives just by virtue of being curious and trusting. You can look at this as intrusive, or you can see it as inclusive. After all, if there's a deal on Viagra or a Caribbean cruise then you'd like to know about it, wouldn't you? And if some enterprising vacation company offered both in a package deal - and threw in a few hundred file folders for free - well, just think how left out you'd feel if no one told you.

There are ways to fight back. You can find a bunch of spam prevention methods on the Web. Or you can do what I do: Use counter-spam. Whenever a spammer sends me an e-mail, I fire one back that says, "I have pictures of what you did at the party. Don't force me to use them." It's a threat that works. After all, the only thing more universal than air is the fact that everyone's done something stupid at a party.

Can we say anything positive about spam mail? Yes. It has totally revitalized the market for real Spam, that meat-like stuff packed with slimy jelly in the bright blue metal can that your mom fed you when you were out of baloney. In fact, there's actually a Spam Kid Chef of the Year Recipe Contest (www.spam.com). Last year's winner was a Spam and Jam layered sandwich. I'd check the cholesterol count before making it a dietary staple.

A recent estimate says that of the 7.3 billion e-messages that zing through cyberspace every day, 32 percent of them are spam. But look at the bright side. Thanks to spam's effectiveness, our problems should be cured soon. In no time we should be thin, emotionally secure, and sexually capable with refinanced houses, unlocked potentials and all the file folders we need. After all, isn't that what life's all about?

Jason Ohler is professor of educational technology at the University of Alaska Southeast and can be reached at jason@jasonohler.com. © 2002 Jason Ohler.