Juneau Empire Story Archive

Techwit: Airport security should add consumer-friendly features

In many ways these are not very humorous times. In particular there's nothing funny about increased airport security. But there might be ways to make it more useful and pleasant for everyone.

Techwit
By Jason Ohler

My revelation came one day in the Los Angeles airport. I had been flagged for extra security screening, probably because I'd voted for Al Gore and wasn't a member of the NRA. I was asked to sit in an uncomfortable chair, take off my shoes and lift my right leg. A security agent, obviously new at her job, used her metal detector wand (that thing that looks like a cross between a curling iron and a cattle prod) and proceeded to rub it directly on my leg. She pressed so hard as she ran it down the length of my leg that it was hard to hold it up. As she ran it over the bottoms of my feet and started up the underside of my leg, I closed my eyes and entered a state of deep relaxation. I had been on my feet all day and her inspection felt like the beginnings of a long-overdue massage.

I was jolted back to reality by the voice of her supervisor correcting her, telling her that she needed to hold the wand an inch or two above my leg. I protested. I liked her way better. In fact, I thanked her and asked her if she wouldn't mind doing it again and going a little slower. I told both of them I would have put a few bucks in a tip jar had there been one available. As I was being led away for further questioning, the revelation came to me. Airport security technology should do more than just look for nail clippers and gunpowder residue. It should make us feel so good that we want to go through security. Instead of complaining, we should be left wanting more.

For example, if I'm being forced to sit down then how about a comfortable chair so I can take a load off - maybe something that vibrates and plays Kenny G. If the wand needs to be held a few inches above my leg, then how about setting it on wooden massage rollers like the kind you can pick up at a health food store. And as long as my shoes are off, how about a quick shine?

The X-ray machine that your carry-ons pass through is an excellent candidate for technological enhancement. Every time I wad up my overcoat in one of those gray tubs and stick it on the conveyor belt, I wonder why it can't emerge out the other end dry cleaned. If that's too complicated, then ironed and pressed would be nice. Nothing fancy. Just getting out the big wrinkles would do it. And as long as my laptop is going to be scanned, is there a good reason why it can't be checked for viruses?

And there's the metal detector we all walk through after emptying our pockets of everything except the cloth they're made of. Rapid tanning technology could be built into detectors installed in northern climates to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder. In Tucson in July? Then you get a blast of cool air. And how about a reward when the inspection doesn't find anything suspicious? Maybe something fun, like a cookie or one of those plastic action figures you get with a McDonald's Happy Meal.

Most people understand the need for high-tech airport security. They're just disappointed there isn't the high touch to go with it. They have a point. Surely a civilization that can create a jumbo jet so sophisticated that it can fly itself can make inspections so much fun that we want to travel, just so we get to go through security.

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