Dear Santa,
While those of us on the Hooligan staff could very easily provide you with a long list of material desires that would make our lives more enjoyable - such as computers from this millennium or even a Wii game console to ease deadline tensions - we instead have decided, in the spirit of Christmas, to present you with a wish list of what we desire for the community of Juneau this holiday season.
• Stocking full of coal: Because we probably deserve it, but also due to living in a community with a 34.5 percent higher cost of living than your average American city, we need the coal to keep warm this winter. Between the skyrocketing heating oil costs and the highjacking of our hydroelectricity prices, if we don't get some kind of relief soon then the rest of us are going to have no choice but to continue the exodus Down South.
• Cheaper Alaskan beer: We would love the opportunity to support our favorite and only community brewery more often, but even the best full-bodied beer can leave a sour taste in your mouth when it leaves your wallet light. It's easier on the conscience to purchase a macro-produced beer such as Pabst Blue Ribbon when a pint of Alaskan Amber costs $5 at a bar six miles from the brewery, while the same beer can be bought for $2.50 at a hole-in-the-wall tavern more than 1,800 miles away in the tiny town of Frazier Park, Calif.
• Recycling: We would love the city to actually begin a citywide recycling program before we have to update our topographic maps to include the elevation of the Lemon Creek landfill, but if the city can't deliver a program anytime soon, could you help us go the extra mile and build a second ski area at the dump so Mendenhall Valley residents don't have to drive all the way to North Douglas?
• $5 lunch: We know it's naïve to expect a quick, affordable and quality meal at any of Juneau's fine dining establishments, but two out of the three can't be too much to expect, can it? If Santa could provide a healthy, timely and tasty lunch for $5 (that didn't incorporate the Mc prefix or involve teaching someone how to make a sandwich), we'll throw in an extra batch of cookies.
• New boots: We would love to see a new color scheme for Xtratuf boots, because contrary to popular Juneau belief, diarrhea brown does not go with everything. Maybe you could even throw us together a new Southeast Alaska wardrobe for the New Year and produce some mauve-colored Carhartts and fuchsia-colored flannels to shake things up.
• Affordable housing: We need a solution, but until greed is taken out of the equation there never will be affordable housing in Juneau. First suggestion: Make the city assessments realistic. How is it ethical to appraise a roofless house in Juneau for roughly $300,000? Also, there can be no real solution to the housing crisis and Juneau's brain-drain until slumlords stop lying and inflating rental costs because of the "cost of doing business" in town. We need help, Santa.
• Concert: We've grown tired of attending farewell parties for the droves of young people leaving the community and agree with many of them that there isn't enough youthful entertainment. If you could help us get one real concert this decade, then maybe we could trick the youth into believing another headliner will visit within the next 10 years. Don't get us wrong, we enjoy living in a community where you can see bluegrass played 366 days a year and more all-female tribute bands per capita than anywhere in the world, but we would love to see someone from the Billboard Top 100 play here before their drug-addled career forces them to.
• Another airline: Seeing that tail with the friendly Eskimo always makes us smile, but with the continued increase of ticket prices we rarely get to see our friends at Alaska Airlines anymore. Can you please give us more Web specials, and make the 30-day advance, round-trip "bargain" ticket to Seattle not cost $528.80? For that price we should at least get filet mignon instead of pretzels.
• Ethics reform: Although we will miss seeing former state House Speaker Pete Kott fall-down drunk singing Garth Brooks during karaoke at the Viking during the legislative session, it is one of those heavy costs that must be paid for cleaning up the system. The booze-laden odor of corruption still lingers over the Capitol, and we would love to see some actual integrity in government that doesn't involve lip service.
• Spaceport: Since there are already propositions on the table to operate flying boats on Lynn Canal and "Star Wars"-like contraptions on the Taku River, we say shoot for the moon and follow visionary and former Assembly candidate Marshal Kendziorek's dream of building Juneau's very own spaceport. With your help, Santa, we can forget about a road from Juneau to the rest of the Last Frontier and travel directly to the Final Frontier via the Ted Stevens International Spaceport.
We know it's a hardy list to accomplish, Santa, but any assistance in helping out our community with its many problems would be much appreciated. And say hello to Vixen for us. - Signed, the Hooligan staff
Hooligan's naughty and nice list
Nice
• Gov. Sarah Palin: for not moving the star on the map, just yet.
• Rain: because we don't need or want any more.
• SEADOGS: for rescuing people that should know better than to go outside.
• JDHS championship teams: for making us all feel like winners.
• Project Playground: for showing us what we can do when we come together.
Naughty
• Korry Keeker: for general douchebaggery.
• Convicted legislators: for selling out for so cheap.
• Maggie the elephant: for being a big wuss.
• Fluoride: for being the devil's elixir.
• Animals gone wrong: Pick on someone your own size, Romeo, not a pansy little pug.
