How else can you explain a three-month, major-motion-picture period that's seen films about a Jack-London-fueled journey into the Interior ("Into The Wild"), vampires that terrorize Barrow ("30 Days of Night") and a misfit family that flees north ("Simpsons: The Movie")?

Next up, according to Variety, is the story that refuses to die: "Bong Hits 4 Jesus."

Yes, MTV Films and Paramount Pictures have signed "life rights" deals with Joseph Frederick; his father, Frank; and defense attorney, Doug Mertz.

It's never too early to start casting, and that's where we come in:

• Joseph Frederick - Shia LaBeouf is a no-brainer. The kid's a commodity: He was just in "Transformers," and he's filming the new "Indiana Jones." That said, it's not a stretch to see him sitting in the Juneau-Douglas High School commons, reading Camus and Voltaire. It's like a grown-up version of Louis, the character he made famous in "Even Stevens."

If he's not available, we'll take Emile Hirsch. He proved he can play a disaffected yet idealistic individualist, such as Christopher McCandless in "Into The Wild."

• Frank Frederick - Gilbert Gottfried finally takes home an Oscar in the role he was born to play: A supportive father who teaches his son to stick up for his constitutional rights, then ultimately loses his job as risk adjuster for Alaska Public Entity Insurance (the school's insurer).

• Doug Mertz - Because Gene Hackman and Donald Sutherland are too old, English actor Bob Hoskins (the detective in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?") resurrects his career as the Juneau lawyer and "Civil Libertarian of the Year."

• Makana Field - There's no way MTV/Paramount is going to make a movie without a gratuitous role for a young actress, so we'll need to flesh out the storyline for Frederick's girlfriend at the time.

If LaBeouf signs on, he showed chemistry with Megan Fox in "Transformers." If it's Hirsch, we'll reunite him with Elisha Cuthbert from "The Girl Next Door."

• Margo Waring - Kathy Bates has a supporting role as Mertz's wife-confidante and the lone Juneau School Board voice who dissented.

• Principal Deb Morse - Frances McDormand has that stern glare and square jaw that just screams "lady principal." She also once played one on an episode of "The Simpsons."

• Superintendent Peggy Cowan - Elisabeth Shue. Because it's about time the star of "Adventures in Babysitting" returns to the silver screen.

• Albert Camus, Voltaire, Thomas Jefferson - Seventeen years after "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey," Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves are reunited as Frederick's literary heroes. Meanwhile, Tommy Chong plays Jefferson.

• Jesus - Willie Nelson.

• Ryan - Christopher Mintz-Plasse has become a cult icon for his portrayal of McLovin in "Superbad." Here, he plays the loyal friend that stands by Frederick when Morse confiscates the banner.

• American Justice teacher - When in doubt, refer to the cast of the original "Revenge of the Nerds." Curtis Armstrong, aka "Booger," plays the Juneau-Douglas High School teacher that inspired Frederick with a course on the Bill of Rights.

• Kenneth Starr - Anthony Edwards (another "Revenge of the Nerds" star).

• Vice Principal Dale Staley - Matt Malloy, Vice Principal Bell from "Election."

• Former Superintendent Gary Bader - Phil Reeves, Principal Hendricks from "Election."

• Random, stoned high school girls loitering in front of the J & J Deli - The Olsen twins.

• Affable-though-awkward newspaper man - Rainn Wilson, disheveled co-star of "The Office," plays a hybrid of the endless string of Juneau Empire education reporters assigned to this story.

• Korry Keeker can be reached at 523-2268 or korry.keeker@juneauempire.com.