This summer I was privileged to host several Thursday night open mikes at the Alaskan Bar.
Some nights, the audience was full of enthusiastic and appreciative people who contributed to enjoyable music. On others, clueless jerks made open mike night as fun as having your teeth drilled without Novocain.
With that pain in mind, veteran host and promoter Patrice Helmar and I have composed "Alaskan open-mike etiquette."
Patrice: Open mike is often a train wreck of sorts. There are occasionally skilled musicians who use the time well to play together and have a good time.
Then there are dudes who croon sad, wordy songs in hopes of charming a lady. And of course, there are ladies who croon for sad, wordy men.
You also get hippies who tell epic un-changing rhyming stories that are void of moral, climax or resolution. And there are people who depend on open mike night. They show up every Thursday with guitars clenched like Bibles in white-knuckled hands.
There's no good way to write about it or describe it. Readers will have to go see the majesty for themselves on one of these dreary Thursday nights. One good dose is usually enough.
Alaskan open-mike etiquette
1. Brian Sullivan always has first crack at the stage after the host. It's the way it goes.
2. If the host is too drunk to play, or sleeps through open-mike, Brian Sullivan is in charge.
3. Always ask open-mike regular Teri Tibbett to play "Fat Bob," especially if Keith Crocker is working the bar. He loves that song.
4. Slaughtering John Prine songs won't get you free drinks.
5. Chicks don't dig Neil Young covers when poorly played on someone else's guitar.
6. If you think you kick ass, let your playing and performance speak for you.
7. Interpretive dance in a leotard is always welcomed and encouraged.
8. It is good to have a few drinks before you play.
9. Bongos are not allowed. (Drum circles are punishment for shoplifting in some countries.)
10. "Mustang Sally" and "Brown-eyed Girl" are not allowed.
11. If you are into spoken word, there is something called a poetry slam. Perform there.
12. If you want to play the drums, remember that softer is often better. (If you do want to set up drums and amps, you need to reward the host somehow.)
13. If you like blink-182 and think Guinness is "cheap" beer, you are not punk rock.
14. It is not good to have too many drinks before you play.
15. If you plan to have too many drinks, play early.
16. Tip the bartenders well, and treat the host like a human.
17. Gauge the audience. If they are a bunch of Cat Stevens-loving hippies, don't play speed metal. If they're a bunch of metal heads, don't play Cat Stevens.
18. Tune your instrument, if possible.
19. Be respectful of the stage and its equipment. It's old and tattered, but it's all we have.
20. Don't knock over the host's guitar.
Scott: I once ignored No. 14 in an attempt to overcome nervousness and knocked Patrice's old red Epiphone guitar to the ground, bridge side down. I might as well have salmon clubbed the thing. Thus, No. 20.
Like playing, hosting an open mike holds certain responsibilities. At a basic level, the host should show up, ensure that the stage has a couple of microphones and a playable guitar, and throw out a sign-up sheet. Most importantly, the host should make the prospective players feel comfortable and provide an atmosphere conducive to playing. Patrice is a model of this.
Patrice: I have not always been a model of this, especially when I used to drink a lot. I didn't always make friends. I think sometimes people liked it more when high drama floated the S.S. Alaskan seas.
Scott and Patrice: See you at the next open mike.
